Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
