I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
