so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
