cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
