this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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