proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you didnt know i had herpes?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
