i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
