I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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