The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Maybe he injected his testicle?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
