he puts the penis in happiness.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
