I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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