I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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