2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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