If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Quick, to the slutcave!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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