i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
