I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
