Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dick very happy bro
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
