so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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