no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
