thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
