I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
