i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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