he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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