New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
