...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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