i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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