i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
