i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
