I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
