chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
