dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
