what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Dicks are not precious.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
