I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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