I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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