Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
