She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
