I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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