my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
