from now on my penis is your penis
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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