Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
