I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
