I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Everyone says I win the strip club
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
