I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
