You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
