My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i think i just lost a toe
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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