Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
