cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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