for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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