At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
