Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
