Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
