...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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