You work out of a Hotel?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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