did you get engaged???
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
