This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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